Decisions
by A Goddess
Summary: Justin gives Brian an ultimatum.


Title: Decisions  
Author: Christina  
Rating: PG-13, language  
Disclaimer: Characters are the sole source of Cowlip,   
Showtime...whatever. I did not create them myself.  
Distribution: no clue  
Summary: Justin gives Brian an ultimatum.  
Author's Note: It's my first story.  
Many thanks to my beta Chrys. Also to anyone who read the story   
before hand and encouraged me.   
  
I sit there, staring at the list for hours. Mikey, Gus and Lindsay,   
three very good reasons. But then I glance ever at the other half of   
the list. I'm thirty years old, and I've fucked nearly the entire   
population of Pittsburgh. I could move, but then again, no one wants   
to hire a thirty-year-old, washed up, ad exec! That alone outweighs   
all the other reasons. I know I'm missing something on the list, but   
I really haven't decided which side I should put him on yet.   
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
I look up from the pad to see Justin standing there. "I'm thinking   
about life and death. If I should bother to continue living mine." I   
raise an eyebrow at him as he stands there staring at me.   
  
"That's not funny, Brian."   
  
I shrug as I get up from the bed.   
  
"Do you see me laughing Justin?"  
  
I carry the pad to the kitchen, and it's no surprise to see that he   
follows me like some stray puppy dog I picked up.   
  
"B-but, you can't be serious! Think about Gus, and Lindsay and Mikey!   
How would they feel? Gus needs you, Brian!"  
  
I can tell by the look in his eyes that he wants to say, "What about   
me?" But he doesn't - instead he stares at me, pleadingly, with those   
baby blue eyes. Thought about it, don't give a shit, really; their   
lives won't end if I'm not around. I pull open the fridge as I slide   
the pad across the counter top. Justin catches it: he picks it up and   
begins to read.  
  
"This is your reason for wanting to die? Turning thirty?"  
  
He scoffs at me as I pull out the ingredients for my shake. "Yup,   
can't think of a better reason than that," I remark as a take a bite   
of an apple.   
  
"And where do I fit in on this list, Brian?   
  
I don't answer him as I begin to prepare the ingredients for my   
shake. I know him so well that I can tell he's starting to cry with   
out even looking at him. "Allergies again, huh? Guess I should dust   
more often in here." I press the button on the blender just as he   
begins to yell at me.  
  
"Sorry, were you saying something?" I smirk at him as I pour my shake   
into the glass.   
  
"You're an asshole, you know that? A real fucking bastard! You love   
me and you know it; yet you refuse to admit it. Why?"  
  
I swallow the shake halfheartedly and put the cup down in the sink.   
Leaning against the counter and stare at him. "You want to know why,   
Justin?" I question rather harshly and, although he knows the answer   
isn't going to be pleasant, he wants to hear it anyway.   
  
"I'll tell you why, for years I had no one but myself. No one to   
love me, to give a shit about me; no one to tuck me into bed at night   
and tell me those happy little bullshit stories before I fell asleep."  
  
"My parents didn't love me, and I never loved them. My sister wasn't   
any better to me either and they usually treated me as if I never   
even existed."  
  
"So, I started to make trouble for myself because A): No one really   
gave a fuck about what I did or didn't do and B): Being nice got you   
absolutely jack shit."  
  
I pause to take a deep breath and walk over to the closet, searching   
for something to wear. All the Armani suits, the Prada shoes, Gucci   
belts- my DVD collection, even the designer drugs, they meant   
absolutely nothing at all. Well, except for the fact that I had money   
and style. I turn around as I grab a shirt from the closet and toss   
it onto the bed.   
  
"Then I meet Mikey. He's alone in the corner of the cafeteria one day   
and I'm by myself...I was the kid nobody wanted their sons to play   
with. I'm sitting there, eating my lunch, when I see a couple of   
kids go over to him and start harassing him. I walk over there with   
my lunch tray, slam it down on the table and stare those kids cold   
and hard right in the eye with a menacing glare. They knew I was   
trouble and backed off immediately. I tell them that if I ever found   
out they were fucking around with my friend I'd kick their asses so   
hard they wouldn't be able to sit for a week. From then on, Mikey   
and & I became inseparable, he looked up to me like I was his own   
personal superhero…and his family became mine in a way." We really   
had some great times Mikey and I.   
  
I'm getting off track here. I shake my head and take a deep breath   
pausing as I look over at Justin. "Fast – forward sixteen years and   
picture me…Brian Kinney, who didn't even go to his own damn prom   
standing in front of the ST. James Academy. For the first time in my   
life, I finally felt happy."   
  
My voice trails off and I find myself grinning as I recall the   
night's events, swirling Justin around on the dance floor, holding   
him close as I stared into his bright blue eyes.   
  
And then Chris Hobbes happened. My smile fades quickly and I turn   
away.  
  
"I wasn't allowed to feel happy for a measly fucking hour!" I turn   
back to face him, swallowing my tears. "So, tell me, Justin, why   
should I sit around for another thirty years waiting for just one   
more chance to be happy again?"  
  
He doesn't say a word to me, and we stand in complete silence for   
what seems like eternity. Our heartbeats echo throughout the room   
until finally Justin makes a move. He approaches me apprehensively,   
as if I may snap and fling him across the room. I don't blame him   
though; I never know what to expect from myself. Reaching out with a   
soft smile he places his hand against my cheek gently stroking it   
with his thumb.  
  
"Because I love you?" He whispers.  
  
I gaze deep into his eyes, staring deep down into his soul. I can   
actually feel his hurt and his nervousness as he leans in slowly, his   
lips graze against mine and we kiss. I don't make much of an effort   
and he pulls away with a pained expression on his face, as though   
he's about to cry but he would never in front of me.  
  
"I'd better get ready for work. I have an important meeting today   
that I can't be la…" my voice trails off as I stare at him blankly.   
I squeeze my eyes shut forcing myself to reveal only blackness and   
willing him to just go away. My eyes flutter open and he's still   
standing there with tears in his eyes. I swallow the large lump that   
had been forming in my throat. How could I do this to him? He   
deserves someone who will love him the way he needs to be loved,   
someone who won't break his heart with out even thinking twice. What   
the fuck did he see in me anyway? I clear my throat and try to   
organize my thoughts into something intelligible. Tilting my head   
slightly I look up at him but quickly look away. My eyes dart around   
the room trying to focus on anything but him. Is it supposed to hurt   
this much? Why should it even hurt me at all? He means nothing to   
me and he never will….  
  
"Justin…I think that…." I can feel the tears start to well in my   
eyes as they sting sharply. "You need to go and forget about me and   
everyone else… Gus, Linds… Mikey, Ted, Emmett…and Melanie. You   
should…"  
  
"But all I want is you Brian!" He shakes his head defiantly. "I   
want you more than anything else I've ever wanted in my life." He   
looks up at me as if he's awaiting my approval of what he's saying   
but I just listen to what he's saying and then slowly he says the   
three words that finally bring me back to orbit. "I need you"  
  
Again silence fills the room but I quickly shatter it. "I think you   
should go now."  
  
He can't hide his tears from me any longer and he starts to fly   
through the loft grabbing his things and shoving them into his   
backpack. Frantically he grabs his clothes and starts to pull them   
on. He stops briefly at the door and turns around to face me, his   
face strewn with tears. "I'm not coming back this time…there's   
nothing you can say or do to make it happen…except…'I love you' "   
With that he slams the door shut.  
  
I jump at the loud sound and finally I gather my things and head off   
to work.  
  
3 weeks later  
  
I lean over at the bar and groan as I see Mikey's goofy face walking   
towards me in the mirror. "Go away" I state firmly not even   
bothering to turn around.  
  
"You haven't even moved from the bar all night. Aren't you going to   
come down and dance?"  
  
I turn around with a heavy sigh. "If I wanted to dance I'd go down   
and dance. Obviously I really don't give a fuck about dancing." I   
roll my eyes as I take a sip of my scotch finishing off my 4th glass…  
or was it 5…maybe 6? I can't really remember. "I'm leaving, I have a   
major presentation tomorrow." Mikey shakes his head and follows me   
out the door. "What do you want Mikey?" I growl as I reach into my   
pockets and pull out a cigarette. My hands fumble with the lighter   
and I almost burn myself but Mikey helps me to light it. I take a   
deep drag and exhale blowing the smoke out to the side.  
  
"I'm worried about you Brian. You barely do anything with me or the   
guys, it's like pulling teeth to come and get you out of the house."  
  
I snort as I look down at my fingernails. "Maybe it's because I'm   
busy?" I could go for a manicure soon. I hear Mikey rambling on in   
the background but I've managed to tune him out.   
  
"Are you even fucking listening to anything I'm saying?" He yells at   
me demanding my attention. I straighten up and look at him   
annoyed. "Yes mother…I'll be sure to eat all my meals tomorrow like   
a good little boy." He starts to yell at me some more and look over   
his shoulder to see Justin walking into Babylon. I push past Mikey   
and toss my butt down on the ground. "Justin!" I yell as I walk   
over towards him. "Why haven't you returned any of my phone calls?"   
  
He stops and looks back over his shoulder. "I told you what you had   
to do." He says very coldly.   
  
I'm about to reply when a tall, black haired, hazel-eyed man appears   
behind Justin and wraps his arms tightly around his waist and kisses   
him. He looks down at me and jerks his head. "Is this your friend   
honey?" He asks Justin sweetly. He extends his hand for a   
shake. "Hi, I'm Tony and…"   
  
"He's no one." Justin states firmly as he pulls Tony's hand   
away. "Let's go inside now, it's too cold out here." As he ushers   
Tony quickly inside Justin looks back over at me quickly and   
disappears into the crowd.  
  
I hear Mikey yelling my name in the background but I head straight to   
the Jeep not wanting to talk to anyone right now.  
  
As soon as I get into the loft I strip down, shower and head straight   
to bed. Pulling the covers over my bare body I reach over to the   
night table and pull out the list. Frantically my hand races across   
the paper and when I'm all done the pen drops to the floor, my heart   
is beating heavily. My decision has been made.  
  
The next morning I awake to not the alarm clock but to the sweet   
sound of my name. "Brian honey, time to wake up dear…" a soft voice   
calls from nearby.  
  
"Justin? Is that you?" I question hopefully as I try and focus.  
  
"No, it's the fucking tooth (trick) fairy…now get your ass up before   
you're late for work Brian."  
  
I crack one eye open and moan as Michael's figure looms into   
view. "Oh…it's you." My head falls back onto the pillow as I turn   
the other way from him. He whacks me with a pillow and I grab it   
quickly before he can pull it back. I lay still for a moment or two   
clutching the pillow and then with a swift movement I bolt up right   
and swing the pillow right into Mikey's gut. "Don't ever fucking   
trick me like that again asshole."   
  
I fly from the bed and into the bathroom to brush my teeth and   
shave. I can hear him whining from the bedroom and then all of a   
sudden he quiets down. "That was a quick recovery" I grin as I pull   
something to wear from the closet.  
  
"Uh, yeah…." He smiles nervously. "Come out with us to Woody's   
tonight. The guys and I miss you."  
  
"Sorry but I need to work on an account tonight." I bend over and   
pull up my pants tucking the shirt in. "Ryder's been up my ass about   
it for the whole week." I buckle the pants and stretch out my arms   
making room in the shirt. Turning back into the closet I pull out a   
tie and start to loop it around my neck. "Maybe on Saturday   
though." I grin as I tug at the tie and walk down the stairs to grab   
my briefcase.  
  
He sighs frustrated and tosses me my keys. "I don't have time for   
the diner today so I'll drop you off ok?"   
  
He just nods at me as we get into the car. "Do you think maybe you   
could come by even for…"  
  
"Mikey, I said no." I pull up to the diner and park the car.   
Smiling I lean in and kiss him softly. "I love you"   
  
Before he has a chance to respond I push him out the door. "And tell   
your mom thank you!" With that I pull away sharply from the curb and   
drive to work. Work has been my only solace these days; it's the   
only time I can forget about him.  
  
Back at the Diner  
  
"I told him what he had to do Michael and I'm standing my ground, I   
refuse to be hurt any longer by him." Justin informs Michael   
indignantly.  
"You don't understand Justin…he's serious about this whole thing. I   
even found…"  
  
Justin quickly interrupts Mikey and stares at him matter of   
factly. "A list? I know all about the list, read it myself   
actually." He shrugs as he takes a bite of his bagel. "But let's   
face it Michael, Brian's a strong man and he hasn't exactly fucked   
the absolute entire population of Pittsburgh either and…."  
  
Mikey shakes his head vehemently and grabs Justin by the shoulders   
thrusting the list in his hand. "Read it again…I think you missed   
something." He declares firmly as Justin finally gives in and reads   
the list over.  
  
"I told you I…" His voice trails off as he reads the newest addition   
under reasons why my life is not worth living. The paper shakes   
gently as Justin continues to stare at the words. "I'm terrified to   
tell Justin how I really feel about him even though I do love him and   
he'll never want me again because I can't fucking say it! He's   
forgotten about me already and I can't forget about him as easily"  
  
He looks up at Mikey terrified. "Do you really think he would…" he   
can't even bring himself to say it.  
  
Michael just nods. "This is something I can't help him with…his life   
depends on you Justin." He whispers solemnly.  
  
Quickly Justin flies out of the diner and jumps into his car.   
Running 3 red lights and almost killing 2 pedestrians he manages to   
make the 20-minute ride to Brian's office in only 5 minutes.   
  
"Where is he? I need to speak with Brian now, this can not wait!"   
Justin demands to Cynthia as he looks up at him flustered.  
  
"I…uh…he's not here Justin."  
  
"Where the fuck did he go?"  
  
"He left early…something about not feeling well and having a date   
with death…he wasn't making sense the entire day so I…" She stumbles   
to get the words out as Justin's face expresses shock. "Is something   
wrong?"  
  
"Thank you!" He yells already on his way down. Halfway to Brian's   
he gets pulled over by a cop. He nervously continues to glance at   
his watch wishing the officer would just hurry up. He doesn't smile   
his sweet usual smile as usual.   
  
"Please officer can you just hurry the fuck up? This is important!"  
  
Back at the loft  
  
I decide there's no reason to write a note, I mean if they don't know   
why I did it then they really never knew me and I don't give a fuck.   
  
Gus was beautiful as usual when I went to say goodbye, he almost   
changed my mind but then I saw that picture Justin had drawn of him   
and Lindsay together and my resolve was shattered quickly.  
  
Besides, I'd already worked things out with my lawyer; most of my   
money would go to Gus, some things to Linds and Michael as well.   
There was no turning back now.  
  
I pull off my suit and hang it up in the closet as usual. Reaching   
over I click on the CD player and music fills the air. Nothing sappy   
though, that's the last thing I need. I don myself in the hottest   
looking thing I can find which is my leather pants, and Hugo Boss top.  
  
I grab my jacket and pull out the vial Anita had given me. I don't   
know why I'd trust her anymore after all the bad shit she given me.   
I sigh as I down a few pills and wait. Whatever she cooked up isn't   
nearly as strong as she claimed it would be. Looks like this could   
take a while. My eyes fall upon the bar and I figure why the hell   
not? I grab a glass but put it down and just take the bottle   
instead. I swallow practically half the bottle before I even get to   
the bed.  
  
I drop down into the warm covers laying my head down on the pillow   
feeling at ease. I can't even remember his name….  
  
The muscles in my hands start to relax and I feel the bottle slip   
from my hands and I hear it rolling down the stairs finally   
shattering as it makes contact with something.  
  
My eyes begin to close as I hear the door buzzer. They'll go away….  
  
Justin calls for Brian down from the sidewalk of his building. After   
numerous attempts at calling him fail and he doesn't respond to the   
doorbell he tears his car apart looking for the key Brian had given   
him. He never had the strength to give it back because if he did it   
was finally admitting he was through with Brian. If only he hadn't   
been so damn stubborn, he shouldn't have pushed him so hard.   
  
Digging deep under the passenger seat he pulls out the key he had   
been looking for. Slamming his door shut he runs up the steps and   
into the building.   
  
"Brian! Are you in here Brian?" He yells as he throws the sliding   
door open and ventures nervously into the loft. Part of him is   
hoping that Brian will appear any minute now and tell him to return   
his key and get the fuck out of here…but nothing.  
  
He inches towards the bathroom with fear and sighs in a heavy relief   
when he finds nothing. He had to be here though, music was playing   
and his car was out front. Trepidation surged through his body as he   
made his way over to the bedroom. He hears a loud crunch and he   
looks down to find the smashed bottle down at his feet. He jerks his   
head towards the bedroom and gasps in horror.  
  
"Brian!" He stares at Brian's lifeless body in shock, Justin's body   
frozen in time almost afraid to move.  
  
Finally he breaks free from his stupor and runs to Brian's side   
quickly.  
  
"Brian? Can you hear me?" He yells loudly as he shakes Brian's body   
violently.   
  
He leans in and presses his ear against Brian's chest, hearing a very   
faint heartbeat.  
All he wants to do is cry but there's no time for that. He can't let   
Brian slip away like that. He manages to slip behind Brian's body   
and wrap his arms around him tightly. Very carefully he manages to   
pull Brian from the bed and drag him into the bathroom. He positions   
Brian so he's sitting up over toilet bowl. His arms firmly around   
Brian's body Justin reaches his hand to his mouth and sticks it as   
far down Brian's mouth as he can get it to go.  
  
"Please Brian…wake up" He cries as he waits for any type of reaction   
from Brian. All of a sudden Justin feels Brian's body jerk from his   
arms and he starts to cough loudly. He pulls his hand away as he   
realizes Brian is about to spew. Very weakly Brian manages to tilt   
his head into the bowl and pukes his brains out.  
  
Justin smiles nervously with relief glad that Brian hadn't slipped   
out of his arms forever.   
  
While Brian is busy puking he heads inside quickly and dials 911   
giving them the address. He runs back inside to Brian's side. His   
head is tucked into the bowl, too weak to move. Justin pulls a wash   
cloth from the cabinet and wets it with cool water. Kneeling down on   
the floor he gently lifts Brian's head and cradles him carefully in   
his arms. He runs the cool cloth over Brian's face and forehead   
caressing his body gingerly.   
  
I tilt my head back and manage to open my eyes faintly; the lights   
too bright and I shut them quickly. I try to open my mouth and speak   
but he places a fingertip over my dry lips.  
  
"Justin…" I manage to croak out, it's so hard to speak my throat is   
killing me.  
  
"Don't speak Brian it can wait." He soothes as he lifts a glass to   
my lips and slowly pours a steady stream of water into my mouth.  
  
I swallow slowly and try to lift my hand up to his face but I'm too   
weak to move.  
  
"Shhh, the ambulance is on the way, you're going to be fine."   
  
I concentrate hard and picture him holding me in his arms. He has a   
soft smile on his face and he's stroking my cheek with his thumb.  
  
My eyes flutter rapidly, and I try to stay awake but it's a losing   
battle. "I love you." I whisper the words softly as I relax into   
Justin's loving embrace. 


End file.
